Since yesterday I have had no voice, which, feels like some kind of sick joke. Anyone who knows me at all knows, I always have something to say. Weirdly, when you cannot talk, you listen and think more. Communicating, especially with my 4-year-old son, has been very difficult. As the hours of this silent battle tick by, some of my basic ASL (American Sign Language) skills come back to me. Ian and I are having fun speaking “in code” to each other.
I am also going through something that I go through every time I get really sick or injured. So fairly often! I realize the world I have created around me, is unequally balanced and not sustainable for the long haul. Is this a common problem most women/ mothers/wives face? Where is the line when reminding, becomes doing/ micromanaging? I am probably one of the last people who want to admit, that they themselves are their own worst enemy. So, I am now going to stick to a self-care plan that makes me feel like an equal member of this family/ household.
I am not sure what it is but, I carry a tremendous amount of guilt. From growing up Roman Catholic? From getting pregnant at 18? From becoming physically disabled and not being able to do for me, nevermind others? Who knows the reason or reasons? I think it is actually more important to recognize the problem and correct it.
I am a contributing member of this family, and therefore I need to remind myself that I too have value. I am almost positive that, I am not alone in this. Women regardless of ability, face this same problem. Especially if that women for whatever reason makes less money then that of her counterpart. Why is it that a person finds it necessary to define themselves by their “dollar worth”? I need to remind myself, as I am sure so many other people also need to, that I am in no way benefiting my family, by sacrificing myself. In fact, my family benefits from a better me.
So I am challenging myself, and I challenge you (my village), to accompany me on this journey of self-nurturing. It is not selfish to shower when you need to, have a some time all by yourself, or spend time on your appearance, in order to draw upon the energy one needs to be the best person they can be. In turn, raising up your own village.