I don’t know if it is just me or do most people have moments of clarity. Mine, most often occur when: I am well rested, highly caffeinated, and have recently peed. So, quite clearly these moments are few and far between. Seriously though, when I have these moments, the thought or answer seems so obvious I almost feel stupid for not realizing whatever it is until now.

This morning as I was talking to my husband, I said something about myself out loud that somehow and for some reason hit home. I said for whatever reason, I am on mental overloud right know. Which sounds so simple, but all of a sudden it hit me in a way I had never seen the issue. Maybe, I have been focusing for 18 plus years on my physical capacity. Trying to prove to both, the world and myself, that just because I use a wheelchair I can do everything everyone else can. In fact, I can do it better and “the right way”. In this imaginary fight I am in all day and with all issues; I have lost sight of the real prize, happiness.

Believe me,  this by no means, means that my life from now on will be totally different. My son will not be watching TV all day, not drinking pure sugar, and not leaving all his stuff on the floor. Let’s not get out of hand here. I am wondering if life is going fairly well, why do I have the feeling that I am not doing or taking on enough. Is there truly someone or something rating me? and if there is am I really getting extra points for how clean my fridge is?

Of course, identifying the problem is only half the battle. (See, the glass is half full not because there will be nothing to drink but if I hurry and finish my damn drink I could put the dirty glass in the dishwasher.) The other half of the problem is fixing things, which might merely be letting go.

Control, when you have none over your body, is everything to me. (I might not be able to make strangers on the phone understand my voice on the phone. But GD if I want the measuring cups in a certain place. God help you if you move them.) I some times do or wear the opposite of suggested just to prove a point. I also will agree to do something to prove a similar point.

I guess I am left with the question. How do I balance the things that truly matter to me with my need for control, within my true mental and physical abilities? That lengthy and overly worded question proves to be one of the issues I am trying to shed some light on. Abled people and people with disabilities have similar unfounded fears and unobtainable goals.