Tattoos

My 1st Tattoo, pre-diagnosis

The hardest self-image issue I struggle with is admitting who I am now .  I have constantly reminded myself that the person everyone else sees and hears is who I am now. Not the pre-diagnosed teenage girl. That girl, in many ways, died 18 years ago and with her many forms of innocence and hope. I fight with myself daily to accept the woman I have become….

my second son is a Scorpio!
  • I am a 35yr old woman – I will be 36 in a month.  So, let’s face it, you may as well round up to  40. That’s wicked old.
  • A stay at home wife and mother – you know unemployed/disabled because that’s an occupation
  • I do not drive – which at best makes my life tricky and boring
  • A cat lady – I have 2 cats now, even though I really want a dog
  • I try to eat healthily – no candy, carbs., and am currently trying to count clarories.
  • I weigh 157 pounds – a moose
  • I breastfed both of my sons -for a combined 3 1/2 years after two vaginal birth – pretty self-explanatory what it has done to alter my body
  • I have brown/ fastly greying hair – refer back to my husband and sons
  • I have altered speech – “scanner speech” (like a bad phone connection flickering in and out of service), slurred, broken quiet, and strained
  • full-time wheelchair user 
  • I spend so much of my time and energy trying to prove to the world I am so much more than a disability, that I hesitate saying it to myself. “I used to walk,” like that somehow makes me less disabled.
I am a Leo!

Even now, it is really hard for me to describe myself. Thoughts about myself are disdainful. My sarcasm is a defense mechanism to hide my pain. I always feel like I have to rationalize myself. I have not always been in a wheelchair, but now it’s been 10 years.  I used to be skinny when I was 20. The reality is no one cares about that stuff like I do. Yes, I was all those things. Now, I am not. I wish I knew how to appreciate the women I am now. Not, that at the time I ever appreciated that me either.

My older son is an Aquarius!

I am learning, very slowly, to love the current me. It truly is the hardest project I have ever attempted. I know certain things about myself that are unique and amazing. Knowing facts logically and believing them in your heart are different concepts, at least I think so.

In truth, who I am now is that same girl, just with baggage. HaHa! The good and bad rolled into one extremely large life lesson. Believe it or not, I love tattoos. That is a part of me I can easily show the world. They are a nonverbal way to express myself.  Simple (only 5), minimalistic, classic, straight forward, and of course just a little “badass.” They show people who I was and who I am.

Thanks to Tom Trovinger, I have a tattoo Ideal! FUFA!!

 

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